The following is a widely varied list of books and CDs I recommend during divorce or any other period of transformation.
HOW TO STUBBORNLY REFUSE TO MAKE YOURSELF MISERABLE ABOUT ANYTHING, YES, ANYTHING! by Albert Ellis, PhD. The father of Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy (the precursor to Cognitive-Behavior Therapy) explains how your thoughts create how you feel. This is an invaluable tool for living a happier, calmer life as it promotes unconditional self-acceptance and develops inner strength.
ASK AND IT IS GIVEN by Eleanor and Jerry Hicks. A new age book about the laws of attraction. This is not like the THE SECRET. It’s well thought out and there are a wide variety of helpful techniques in the second half of the book. I highly recommend doing the Vision Board as you work through your divorce. It is an extremely creative, positive and optimistic activity. (The more I listen to the Hicks’, they also offer a wide range of fabulous CDs, the more I am convinced their philosophy and approach is a New Age version of Cognitive-Behavior Therapy or Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy. The more recent writings and CDs, those from 2007 and later, seem to be the best.)
HEALING BACK PAIN and THE MIND-BODY PRESCRIPTION by Dr. John Sarno. It is fairly common for our bodies to express emotions physically because we sometimes haven’t yet learned to express them consciously. One of the stages of grief is denial, and divorce can be replete with emotional avoidance tactics. The body’s aches, pains, and symptoms are its way of expressing these unconscious issues. Dr. Sarno points out how these repressed emotions get expressed physically and how we can get in touch with and acknowledge them thereby releasing the tension that creates all sorts of symptoms from migraines to IBS.
MOLECULES OF EMOTION by Candace Pert, PhD. The world renowned psychoneuroimmunologist explains how her research into receptor sites for peptides, neuropeptides, etc. demonstrates that there is a feedback loop between our emotions and every cell in our body. Be warned, this is a fairly scientific book, but fascinating.
THE WONDERS OF SOLITUDE by Dale Salwak. A great little inspirational book on enjoying one’s time alone. Out of all the books in this genre I found this the most useful.
MEDITATIONS FROM THE MAT by Rolf Gates. A rich amalgamation of writing on yoga, from pragmatic to esoteric topics, all delivered in a very welcoming style.
AT BLACKWATER POND by Mary Oliver. A CD of Mary Oliver, one of our greatest living American poets, reading dozens of her pieces.
FEELING GOOD by David Burns. A cognitive-behavioral psychologist helps you through depression. I think the depression that many people feel as they go through divorce isn’t true depression, but grief masquerading as depression. However, this book is full of useful, straight-forward techniques.
THE ART OF SELFISHNESS by David Seabury. A real classic in the field of positive psychology in that it was written in the 1930s but is as relevant as anything written last week. Seabury shows how what appear to be selfish acts really benefit everyone. This is especially good for all those middle-aged women who are divorcing after long marriages where they put their family’s well-being above their own.
THE TAO by Lao Tsu, translated by Ursula LeGuin or Stephen Mitchell. These two different translations of the Tao (pronounced “Dow”) are great places to start your familiarity with one of the great books of all time. Mitchell’s work is more accessible, but LeGuin studied the Tao for 50 years before attempting her translation. If you are in the throes of emotion save these for later. They’re quite philosophical, and something more immediately pragmatic might be a better choice.
LEAVING HOME by David Celani. One of the best books on how we get through a toxic childhood. I’m suggesting it here because divorce often stirs the pot of unresolved childhood issues and it may be useful to understand what could have predisposed you to be in the relationship that’s ending. It’s bit of a slow read, but full of great insights.
TOXIC PARENTS by Susan Forward. A classic in the field. Much easier to read than Celani’s book, but recommended for the same reason: to use this transformative time to heal.
REMEMBERINGS AND CELEBRATIONS CARDS from Robyn Posin’s site forthelittleonesinside.com These are one of the most useful tools you can ever have. 64 cards with ways of looking at yourself and the world that will change your life. I know the site is very female friendly, but my male clients love these cards too. (While perusing Robyn’s site you might want to read some of her longer autobiographical pieces as they are a fascinating–and helpful–glimpse into one woman’s way of being in this sometimes crazy-making world.)
SPIRITUAL DIVORCE by Debbie Ford. A valuable book for radically shifting your perspective on your divorce and embracing its lessons.
THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR by Martha Stout. An eye-opening look at sociopathy.
WHEN THINGS FALL APART by Pema Chodron. Buddhist path through life’s hazings. A slow read, but worth the time and effort.
RISKING EVERYTHING, TEN POEMS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE, and other compilations by Roger Housden. These books are not just compendiums of poetry, they are replete with Roger’s unique take on the challenges of being human. He is refreshingly forthright and honest.
THE EIGHT HUMAN TALENTS by Gurmukh. A real gem. Gurmukh is a Sikh and a Kundalini yoga teacher. She delves into all realms of emotional territory with great compassion and sensitivity. There are various postures and practices, including breath work and mantras, to help you re-center and re-energize.
YOGA NIDRA by Richard Miller. Yoga Nidra translates to: yogic sleep. This isn’t sleep as you know it, but an ancient technique to catalyze deep relaxation and inner focus. The book comes with a CD. You don’t need to know any yoga to do this as there are no postures. It’s all done lying on your back.
YOGA NIDRA CD by Swami Janakananda. I like this yoga nidra CD best of all. There is a short form and a longer version, each with its own merits. The Swami has an Indian accent, but he’s easy to understand. Highly recommended.
YOGA NIDRA podcast by Elsie. I can’t believe this is free, but it is. Go to iTunes. Click on Podcasts. Find Elsie’s Yoga Class. Find the episode called “yogic sleep, yoga nidra.” (It’s Episode #62, from 1/25/08.) This is an incredible yoga nidra practice, though you may want to skip the first 14-15 minutes, as she talks about a slew of other topics before launching into the yoga nidra practice. A hour of pure bliss.
GUIDED MEDITATIONS FOR CALMNESS, AWARENESS AND LOVE by Bodhipaksa. Bodhipaksa is a Welsh Buddhist. There are three segments to this CD: a breath section, a loving kindness mediation, and a walking meditation. I have been using this CD for years and still find it incredibly calming.
MEDITATION by Swami Muktananda. A short, beautiful book on meditation.
POSITIVE SOLITUDE by Rae Andre. An excellent, thorough look at solitude and how to enjoy your time alone.
CALLING IT QUITS: LATE LIFE DIVORCE by Dierdre Bair. Fascinating accounts of middle-aged and older women choosing to leave long marriages.
ON MY OWN by Florence Falk. Excellent resource book with a great bibliography.
HOW TO NOT BE AFRAID OF YOUR OWN LIFE by Susan Piver. The title’s a bit unwieldy, but the book is great. Honest, and full of psychological and philosophical gems with a meditative and Buddhist slant.
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE by Tara Brach. On of the best books I ever read on coping with life’s challenges. The author is a psychologist and Buddhist. Unflinchingly honest, brilliant, and helpful.
THEY CAN’T FIND ANYTHING WRONG by David Clark, MD. On the relationship between stress and disease.
WALKING MEDITATION by Thich Nhat Hanh. I believe this book comes with a DVD and a CD. The book is a delight and the CD quite calming.
A NEW EARTH by Ekhart Tolle. Tolle’s books are great, but I prefer to listen to him talk. You can do this for free on iTunes by accessing their podcast selections and searching for Tolle. He and Oprah had 15 hours of conversations on this book with questions from people Skyped from all over the world. He’s a funny man with a prodigious knowledge of human nature, philosophy, and psychology.
THE ESSENTIAL RUMI translated by Coleman Barks. I adore this book. It has the poem, The Guest House, that is so wonderful I’ll post it here so you can see if Rumi, a Persian poet from the 13th century, appeals to you.
THE GUEST HOUSE
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture.
Still treat each guest honorably.
They may be clearing you out
For some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
Meet them at the door laughing,
And invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
For each has been sent
As a guide from beyond.
YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence by Joe Dominquez and Vicki Robin. This is a great book for radically rethinking your relationship to money. It points out how to have more time and freedom by making different choices about work and spending habits.
HOPE AND HELP FOR YOUR NERVES by Claire Weekes. A classic for panic and anxiety. Claire is a real healer, and an extremely supportive, loving guide.
THE HEART OF ADDICTION by Lance Dodes. I’ve been working with alcoholics and their families for almost 35 years. This book presents a completely different view of addiction. Not a panacea, but a new perspective.
THE SMALL BOOK & RATIONAL RECOVERY by Jack Trimpey. For those not inclined to go to AA, these books use rational-emotive behavior therapy to conquer addiction.
FOR YOURSELF: THE FULFILLMENT OF FEMALE SEXUALITY by Lonnie Barbach. What better time to discover your sexual potential? (And you don’t need a partner to do all the exercises.)
THE NEW MENOPAUSAL YEARS, THE WISE WOMAN WAY: ALTERNATIVE APPROACHES FOR WOMEN 30-90 by Susun Weed. This is a great reference book for women going through peri-menopause and menopause. Ms. Weed, a master herbalist, is full of suggestions ranging in their intrusiveness from least invasive to most. She lovingly suggests a wide variety of interventions for every aspect of a woman’s changing body-mind.
HEALING THROUGH THE DARK EMOTIONS by Miriam Greenspan. Ms. Greenspan is a very brave woman. She plumbs the depths of her own grief, rage and despair to help you see their transformative power. Not a quick read but worthwhile. One of her quotes, from the Talmud (the Jewish bible) is: “Your heart will give you greater counsel than all the world’s scholars.” She encourages you to fearlessly dance the dance of dark emotions, rather than succumbing to society’s injunction to be “emotion-phobic.”
CHOCOLATE UNWRAPPED: THE SURPRISING HEALTH BENEFITS OF AMERICA’S FAVORITE PASSION by Rowan Jacobsen. A great guide to chocolate’s health benefits; plus, history, recipes, myths, and nutritional information. Concise and convincing.
WALKING MEDITATION with CD by Anh Huong Nguyen and Thich Nhat Hanh. This is a great little book, currently on sale at Amazon for $7.49. The CD alone is worth the price. Anh talks you through the meditations. She is so profound, yet amazingly sweet, simple, and loving. The book is a wonderful catalyst for inner peace.
NOLO’S ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO DIVORCE, 2nd Edition, by Emily Doskow. This is a very comprehensive and easy-to-assimilate reference book with excellent sections on everything from the different types of divorce and their relative costs, to a wonderful parenting agreement. I strongly recommend reading this before hiring a mediator or lawyer.
WE ARE THE ONES WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR by Alice Walker. An excellent compilation of various talks, poems, and essays that will resonate with you if you walk the earth. Deep, thought-provoking, and loving. Who could ask for more?
CRAZY TIME, SURVIVING DIVORCE AND BUILDING A NEW LIFE by Abigail Trafford. A comprehensive view of divorce. She can be a bit negative sometimes, but, overall, I would recommend it. There is an excellent section on anger; and, I was interested in her ideas of emotional and psychological divorce. Ditto, some of her comments on deceivers/deniers and dominance/submissiveness. If you like lots of examples and case studies, this is for you.
THE CRAGGY HOLE IN MY HEART AND THE CAT WHO FIXED IT: OVER THE EDGE AND BACK WITH MY DAD, MY CAT, AND ME by Geneen Roth. Ms. Roth is an excellent writer on the topic of weight, body image, and gaining self-acceptance. This memoir is a departure from those themes; at least, overtly. It’s an excellent examination of parental betrayal on a few levels.
DIVORCED DAD’S SURVIVAL BOOK by David Knox, Ph.D. This is quite comprehensive, with sections on introducing your kids to your new partner, coming out to your wife and children, divorce mediation, what to do and not to when you kids are with you or your former partner, and staying connected to your kids. It’s direct, clear, and easy to read.
FOR YOURSELF: THE FULFILLMENT OF FEMALE SEXUALITY by Lonnie Barbach. The definitive guide for women who want to increase their sexual enjoyment.
The University of Illinois has some wonderful FREE BROCHURES online for everything from alcoholism to stress and trauma. Check out their list at: www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=7
JOURNEY TO THE HEART: Daily meditations on the path to freeing your soul by Melody Beattie. I often find these types of books tedious and unfulfilling, but this one is deep and helpful. I can see how many of its entries would steer you to a new perspective as you go through your own transformative process.
MEDITATIONS TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendlius. This audiobook from Sounds True is both didactic and experiential. It helps you create new, positive pathways in your brain, which, in time, override old, painful memories.
HOW TO SURVIVE THE LOSS OF A LOVE by Melba Colgrove, Harold H. Bloomfield, & Peter McWilliams. This pithy, helpful book was written in 1976 by a psychiatrist, psychologist and a poet. It’s a great little resource, full of helpful reminders you want to hear when your world is inside out from loss.
