Willing to experience aloneness,
I discover connection everywhere;
Turning to face my fear,
I meet the warrior who lives within;
Opening to my loss,
I am given unimaginable gifts;
Surrendering into emptiness,
I find fullness without end.

Each condition I flee from pursues me.
Each condition I welcome transforms me
And becomes itself transformed….

Jennifer Welwood

The positive aspects of loss may not be immediately apparent, but they do exist. I am not talking so much about the old saw: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but the liberation that comes with losing a relationship, a job, even a coveted aspect of one’s health. At first, this may sound absurd. What liberation? But, in time, life strips you of your illusions, and you come face to face with your demons. The thing you feared the most happens. It might be the death of a loved one, illness, financial hardship, or divorce. You think you’ll implode, explode, or become catatonic; but, no matter how you react initially, you usually end up coping. The very act of dealing with catastrophe liberates you from the old fear that you wouldn’t be able to stand X, Y, or Z.

At some point after the initial shock has passed, you may find yourself feeling a freedom that is so deeply pervasive it’s overwhelming. The unbearable lightness of being, Milan Kundera called it. Simply too heady to contemplate, let alone assimilate. Yet, like so many things in life you didn’t think you could bear, you slowly adjust to this internal vastness and possibility. Sometimes, you react with the old fear; but, more typically, you feel some heady delight in your ability to cope. With each passing month you find you can make decisions more easily because you understand yourself better.

The thing you feared the most is a gateway to your liberation.  The “shoulds” commandeering your life no longer have any sway, as they are overridden by self-knowledge. Even when you may not know what exactly you want you are open to discovering it through experimentation.


By cultivating patience for yourself and the process of envisioning, creating, and navigating your new life,  you can actually see how loss opens you up. Not only for new experiences, but for a better relationship with your own sweet self.

Major change is akin to dying and being reborn; neither is easy, but both are necessary if you are to move forward. By going through the dark, whether it’s anger, grief, anxiety, or despair, you clarify what you want. Each time you encounter something you don’t want it helps refine your desires.


Fighting against loss, and the grief it engenders, slows your progress.  However, it may be a necessary part of your healing, so allow whatever comes.  It won’t last. Eventually, you will get more comfortable with the ebb and flow of life, moving towards acceptance.


Once you relinquish the notion that any transformation should be quick and easy, you can fully allow what is happening in this moment.  The minute you lessen your resistance to reality you open yourself up to myriad possibilities.  That’s when things change for the better. Your optimism and open-heartedness bring new avenues of joy, meaning, and fulfillment.


Life is flux, whether it is obvious or not.  What appears to be hibernation and inaction may be a period of necessary downtime to energize you for the next leg of the journey. Things are exactly as they should be; and, as Louise Hay says: “Everything is happening for your highest good.”


Today, while being stalked by fear, loneliness, or grief, you may not be aware of the mechanism through which your highest good will manifest. By adopting Louise’s assumption you acquire the necessary faith to carry on.


Liberation from your old ways is challenging and frightening because it is new.  Whatever or whomever you were dealing with before was familiar.  Allow yourself to adjust to these changes. Whether they are from divorce, death, illness, or an empty nest, take all the time you need to get comfortable.  Be patient and compassionate as you adapt in your own unique way.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

During major life changes it is easy to feel raw, brittle, and overwhelmed by all the details that need your attention.  Some people become numb when faced with a tsunami of decisions and tasks, and some amp up their activity. It’s not so much how you manifest your inner frenzy, but what you can do to tame it.

In a divorce, there are literally dozens, if not hundreds of details that require attention.  The same is true if you are dealing with liquidating an estate, or navigating the initial chaos of a newly diagnosed medical problem.

Everyone handles things differently. There are those predisposed to procrastinate, and others who obsessively conquer each issue as it comes up.  If you are in the latter category, all is well until things accrue faster than you can handle them. No matter what your personal style, at some point you will feel over-cooked.  If you are a procrastinator you can develop a nagging 24/7 semi-conscious vigilance where you’re not consciously aware of all the details you’re neglecting, but they are still eating away at you. Paradoxically, that takes up cranium space just the way it does for someone who attends to everything as it comes up. Either way is stressful when there are more things to do than time in which to do them. So, there is no way of avoiding some measure of stress when taking care of a slew of details, many of which need immediate attention.

The following suggestions to lessen the negative impact of all this stress are even more important if you are a highly sensitive soul, for you will feel everything more acutely.

On the battlefield, they use a system called triage: wounded soldiers are sorted and allocated treatment according to a system of priorities designed to maximize the number of survivors. It’s usually based on dividing them up into three categories.  You can use a similar strategy by separating your tasks into those that need immediate attention, those that can wait a day or two, and those that can be on hold for a while.

Get plenty of sleep. Take naps, if you can, as even five minutes of closing your eyes can be restorative. If you need a little help sleeping, try some of the remedies in the Herbal and Homeopathic Helpers section. Lemon Balm, aka Melissa, can quell those repetitive thoughts than can be so intrusive.

Don’t skip meals. Low blood sugar just adds to an already crankocidal state of mind.

Try Rescue Remedy and other Bach remedies. Walnut, is especially suited to major life changes. Other essences may work well with your personality. There is a questionnaire online at: www.1-800homeopathy.com/enews/bachquestionnaire.html

Remind yourself: this will all pass. You won’t always be dealing with lawyers, papers, or household decisions; certainly not to this degree.

Take breaks for fun:

Get outside in the fresh air every day.

Watch something silly on TV.

See or call a friend.

Listen to some upbeat music, unless that’s too much stimulation.

Avoid excess use of alcohol. Hangovers won’t help you feel energetic.

Talk to yourself in ways that shore up your resolve: I can do whatever I have to, it’s only temporary, the best is yet to come, etc. (See Affirmations & Litany of Love)

Resist the urge to try to figure everything out. Some things may never make sense, some things will make sense now, and some things will make sense later on when you have a bit of perspective. People’s behavior and motivation may always be a mystery. Let go of your desire to understand it all.

Stay in the moment. Mindfully do whatever you are doing right this moment. Trust yourself and the universe. You will get to everything else in due time. Paradoxically, slowing down actually helps you accomplish more with less stress. Staying present and focused calms your mind.

Get some exercise. Walking and yoga reset the brain to homeostasis, creating more inner balance. Exercise will also release endorphins, those helpful little feel-good chemicals.

Breathe consciously, slowly and deeply. (See Breath work for more suggestions)

Limit what you can. Resist taking on anything extra. You will have plenty of time for that later.

If you are a perfectionist this is a great opportunity to “dare to be average.” You don’t need the added stress of telling yourself you have to get through this challenge elegantly. Just getting through it is enough.

Listen to yourself. Others may say you need to get out, party hearty, or take a vacation. Maybe what you need is solitude, a quiet evening, extra sleep, or chocolate.

Activity does not mean frenzied activity. You can live and consciously dial things back by: reminding yourself it will all get done, and making a list so things aren’t swimming around in your brain 24/7.

Following these suggestions will not only make you feel better, and more in control, it will also shore up your immune system.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

I recently came across one of the bargains of the century on my favorite site: amazon.com

Searching for discs with nature sounds I found dozens of very long-playing CDs, 50-70 minutes each, for between $.89-.99

Just go to MP3 downloads and type in nature sounds. You can preview each one before buying it.

These can be a wonderful adjunct to your meditation practice, as well as a sleep aid.

DIRECTIONS:

Make your sweet self a cup of tea or hot chocolate.

Sit somewhere private and comfortable.

Read the following sentences aloud in your most loving, gentle voice.

I will be OK.

I feel devastated, but I will be fine.

I may not be able to see it right now, but everything will work out for my highest good.

There’s so much to learn.

I am becoming wiser and more compassionate with myself every day.

No matter how difficult things feel, the universe is supporting me.

I can let myself fully grieve. Grief is a shape-shifter: one minute I may feel furious and the next I could be bargaining for my old life back.  Five seconds later, I’m blue. I  can embrace it all.  It’s my path to transformation.

Divorce is a cosmic hazing and it’s only natural to feel emotionally depleted. It’s temporary.  In time, I will feel better than ever.

I am constantly evolving into my true self.

Up and down, up and down.  The roller coaster of emotion seems never ending, but it will stabilize.

I allow my tears to flow, as they are nature’s detoxifiers.

I will be joyful again.  Even now, amidst the turmoil, there are moments of grace.

I am doing remarkably well.

I will get to the other side when I’m ready.

I can love myself right now, exactly as I am.

I may may not like what is true for me now, but I can handle it.

I can allow myself to be rocked to my core, it’s appropriate.

Nature can always be a refuge: a leaf, a tree, the sky, I let them remind me of life’s glories.

I ask God/Spirit to walk with me.

In the midst of chaos, I am healing.

I am using this crisis as a catalyst for growth.

I am gentler and kinder to myself than ever before.

I  will be happier than I can imagine.

Suffering is just as vital a part of life as joy; I’m here to experience everything.

I make it safe to feel all my feelings.

There is so much love for me in the world.

My soul shines amidst the chaos: luminous and beautiful.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Everyone goes through cycles of peace and trauma.  If a value you have held for years no longer increases your peace, if it keeps you stuck in some unhelpful place or mind-set, it may be time to release it.

Values prop up your sense of self, your ego. It can be strengthening to think:

I have good values.

My values tell the world who I am.

I adhere to my values.

I am consistent in my beliefs.

My beliefs are moral and elevate me above others.

As values are things you hold in high esteem, if you commit yourself to them, by extension, you hold yourself in high esteem.

The threat inherent in change, especially when it concerns your cherished, deeply held beliefs, is that you will lose a part of yourself, and your connection to the cadre of others who share them.  But over-identification with your values can stunt your personal growth.

Values give you a template for living; however, circumstances change requiring a shift in your world-view. Perhaps, it is better to value openness to life, even though it is a far riskier place to dwell.  Allowing for change means you will feel raw, exposed and vulnerable as things flow and morph into something new.

Luckily, you are much more than your values. The fullness and complexity of your true self dwarfs the handful of ideas you clutch so desperately. As if there could be a hard and fast guide to life. Be the witness. Watch your life unfold. Allow the mystery. Cultivate curiosity. Embrace change. Emerson was right when he said, “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.”  In other words, sticking to your guns may afford you a sense of security but ultimately redound to your detriment by limiting your experiences.

Holding on to a value or belief that has outlived its usefulness stands in the way of your own development. Even worse, you inflict psychic pain on yourself by perpetuating a deep, inner conflict between an unhelpful ideal and what is real. In the past, that belief was probably very useful, both pragmatically and in bolstering your identity. Now, as you find yourself in a new stage of life, some beliefs may impede your becoming the person you want to be.  For example: If you believe divorce is to be avoided at all costs, you may live out the rest of your life in an unhappy union. 

The desire for a black and white world is a relic from your childhood. Intellectually, you know things are all shades of gray, but that old habit of thinking dichotomously loves rules for living. The clear cut parameters of how to behave are comforting to the little child inside. The adult you is capable of much more.  You can discern all the colors in the spectrum, which allows for a greater appreciation of differences, including the difference between your thinking at age ten, or twenty, or thirty, etc. Your mind is large enough to contemplate many ways to think and live, not just the ones you have experienced, so far.

To be alive is to change. Let go of useless beliefs. They only stunt your growth.  As you progress through life different things will be more or less meaningful.  For example: Most people think killing is bad; however, in a war, or to protect yourself, killing is allowable.  Different circumstances demand tweaking, or radically shifting, your beliefs.

Ideally, when you took your marriage vows you believed it would be until death. But, life intruded.  The question to ask yourself when contemplating a change in values is: “What will this shift in my thinking say about me?”  If you believe it makes you a bad, or less worthy, person, it will. If you believe it is part of your maturation process, you will mature.  Superseding the ego isn’t easy.  It does not like being eclipsed by anything, including new ideas it has propped itself up on for years. You are in charge. You can make the ego take a time-out while you explore other ways of looking at the world.

If sticking to your values means you die inside (and martyrs have done that since time immemorial) you’re choosing from fear and rigidity. Francois de la Rochefoucauld said, “The only thing constant in life is change.” Defy it and you will wither.  

Sometimes, perfectionistic thinking bars the way to greater emotional freedom and peace. Sticking to your guns can be a rigid, absolutistic approach to life.  By thinking things like: “I must adhere to my values or my life will fall apart. I won’t be safe without these rules for living. People will think less of me. I will have  no moral compass.” You perpetuate the ideas that keep you mired in old ways of acting and reacting to new life circumstances.

People will always think what they want. You have no control over them. You can control what you think about yourself and, luckily, that’s the most important thing. There may not be a visible path through this journey, but if you trust your intuition, the melding of your heart and mind, you will find your way.  It is scary, there are demons along the way, but every great quest is fraught with challenges. You can do it. Trust the universe, trust yourself, trust the process; and, when you can’t—just breathe.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

“He who controls others may feel powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.”    Lao Tzu in the Tao Te Ching 

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.”   Anonymous

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”   Alice Walker

It is so easy to relinquish your power to someone or something. With addictions, you surrender your power to a substance, or an activity. With people, you allow others to decide how you will feel and behave.

Next time you feel lousy, ask yourself:

Am I handing my power over to someone or something?

If so, reclaim it!  Consciously decide to take it back. Remind yourself: no one and no thing is the boss of you. 

In the moment, you may feel weak, sad, impotent, angry, worthless, anxious, or something else. Luckily, a feeling isn’t a fact. The truth is, even if you are feeling downright awful you can still reclaim your power.

Start with the suggestion above. If you are not ready for that just let yourself sit with whatever you are feeling. Use your power to make it OK to be where you are now. Give yourself that gift, rather than the self-inflicted punishment that comes from fighting what is. It may not feel good, but it’s fine and you can stand it. It won’t last.

When you are in a different frame of mind, tackle the larger issue. Do you really want a substance or activity controlling your life? Do you enjoy letting people push your buttons? Of course not.

If someone says something that catalyzes a negative reaction, use paradoxical intention and agree with them. This is the last thing they expect, and the opposite of what you have previously done; but, it is incredibly empowering. Set aside your doubt that this incongruent technique will work and try it. Scour their comment for something with which you can honestly agree. Saying it will immediately take the wind out of their sails and you will feel in control.

Practice assertiveness. The essence of assertiveness is repetition. You don’t need to reinvent the wheel with each reason why you won’t do what someone wants you to. Just say something like: “I have other plans.” When the person responds with, “Oh, come on, what could be so important that you don’t want to do X, Y, or Z?” Just say, “I know you’re disappointed, but I have other plans.” It doesn’t matter what your plans are. They could be staring into space, eating a brownie really slowly, or cleaning out your garage. It’s irrelevant. There’s something else you want to do. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of why you’re choosing it over spending time with them. Taking care of yourself and doing your heart’s desire will make you, and everyone you come in contact with, happier. If you really enjoy this person’s company suggest another time; otherwise, get off the phone or away from them ASAP. 

Many people have trouble being assertive because they don’t believe they can ask for, and get, what they want. This is the time to fake it ’til you make it. Think of someone you know who is assertive and pretend you are that person. How would she handle this situation?

No one likes giving a response they know will be met with disappointment, so resist the urge to embellish. Often, this is where people lose their resolve, and allow their friend or family member to influence them.  Unfortunately, the result is you’re doing something you don’t want to do and feeling resentful. If you act assertively, and honestly, your relationships will benefit.  Not only will you feel more self respect, you will give others a cosmic permission slip to ask for what they want by setting an assertive example.  

If you have an addiction, get help. There are on-line groups, 12 step meetings, therapists, books, family, and friends waiting for you to reach out. (If you choose to see a therapist make sure they understand addiction and OCD.) Reclaiming your power over yourself is a heady, wonderful experience.

Use affirmations to shore up your resolve (see Affirmations, also see Powerlessness, Control, & Acceptance.)

We become what we practice, so practice thinking positively.  Assume you will achieve the freedom you want. Picture it. Daydream in detail about a life where you are the captain of your own ship.  Think about anything at which you have succeeded. Didn’t you envision it happening? Then, take advantage of opportunities as they arise. Once you pay attention and focus your energy on what you want doors will open. Actually, they are opening all the time it’s just that your own limiting thoughts of what you can and can’t do, what you can and can’t have, and who you can and can’t be get in the way. Allow goodness, success, peace, and self-confidence to grow by inviting them in. At first, it may be difficult to combat those old notions of how you are and how you can be. Persevere. Show yourself the strength of your resolve. 

Recent neuropsychological research suggests we can change our brains; however, it requires lots of repetition. What gets fired gets wired. If you want to re-wire your brain you need to practice new ways of thinking. All forms of cognitive-behavior therapy (including the new age version espoused by the Hicks’), rational-emotive behavior therapy, as well as ancient techniques like yoga and meditation help you think differently. Thinking differently changes your brain chemistry, yielding better feelings. 

I know there are times when you feel lower than a snake’s wiggle and it’s easy to succumb to self-downing, depression, anxiety, or hopelessness.  Those feelings come from what you think. Luckily, you get to choose what you want to put in your brain, the same way you can choose which foods to eat.  It may not be second nature, yet, but noticing an unhelpful thought and choosing to think something soothing, uplifting, or energizing can become a habit. Be patient, these cognitive shifts don’t happen quickly, and they can feel awkward when you first attempt them. In time, the process will become automatic.

Have faith in your ability to create the life you envision. Practice assuming the best. You will conquer what you want to conquer and achieve what you want to achieve. It may sound counter-intuitive, but you can accept where you are and immerse yourself in positive thoughts at the same time.  Read books that make you feel good, watch the video link (bottom right hand side of this page) Positive Pause, listen to Abraham-Hicks’ CDs, and cultivate that inner smile. You know, the one that naturally spreads across your face when sense all your possibilities.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Whether you have been good at asking for help in the past, or not, now is the time to reach out.  When you experience a loss through death, the dissolution of a relationship, or transformation, grief engenders two primal desires.  One seeks solitude to nurse the wounds, while the other asks for company, someone to bear witness to the pain.

How is it that such seemingly contradictory desires bring solace? Each offers a different way to vent and heal. When alone, you can be completely uninhibited. Paradoxically, with a witness you connect even though you’re suffering from a searing disconnection.

As always, the number one imperative is giving yourself a cosmic permission slip to feel your feelings. Then, seek solitude, or companionship, whatever seems right in the moment. Grief is a consummate shape-shifter.  One day you crave company and the next shun it. Allow yourself to vacillate, depending on your mood.

If you have always been the independent sort, it can be incredibly hard to ask for help.  Perhaps, you were typically the giver, and secretly thought it weak to ask for help. You couldn’t be more mistaken. It takes strength to show your vulnerability. But habit is not your only roadblock, the ego is a bit of a tyrant and can also get in the way, especially if it thinks it’s being demoted. It is. Your psyche and soul get first place in this pas de deux with grief. Let the ego gain gratification from recognizing how courageous it is to do what you fear: picking up the phone and asking for what you want. 

There is always someone with whom you can speak. If it’s 3:00AM you can call Crisis Services (or your local hotline).  Try logging on to Yahoo Groups and take advantage of a virtual support community, they are available 24/7.  If you have a bit more time, find a local group that deals with your particular loss.  Call a therapist (goodtherapy.org is a wonderful non-pathologizing resource). The crucial thing is connecting to someone compassionate.

This may sound obvious, but consciously choose people who will listen and be supportive. Now is not the time to consort with challenging friends or family. The last thing you need is to feel defensive about your process. Remember, there’s no right way to go through a crisis. There’s only your way, and you create it one breath at a time.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Yes, you’re right.  If you open your heart you risk getting hurt.  But, what’s the alternative?  A life devoid of love and passion?  How alluring is that?  The illusion of safety may be appealing, but over-protection usually leads to isolation.  Is there a way to shield yourself and still be receptive?  Not that I know of.  However, if you pay attention you are more likely to see the warning lights. You know them.  The ones that signal danger ahead: proceed at your own risk. It’s easy to close your eyes when the first flickers appear, and even ignore blazing lights, but awareness can lead to protection, so listen to those gut feelings.

In the past, inertia, or blind optimism, may have motivated you to quiet those inner voices. Perhaps, you persevered until it was untenable.  At some point, you faced what you were trying to avoid and were thrust into a new reality, both frightening and exhilarating.  Now, even though you have been hurt, you feel compelled to be open, because the alternative is to live a diminished life.  I’m not suggesting rushing head-long into a relationship.  I am advising embracing life with enlightened open-heartedness tempered with self-protection and awareness.

If you let your passion have free reign it can feel like a freight train running over everything in its path.  That’s the time to remember to slow down. We all want what we want when we want it, and pausing, delaying gratification, is almost un-American.  We have been steeped in the idea that we have to immediately scratch every itch. If we are middle-aged, or older, it’s even easier to justify that orientation because time’s a wasting.  Carpe diem is the name of the game.  But, allowing a pause enables you to go forward with your eyes open.  Whether you choose instant gratification, or waiting, you know you have made your decision consciously.

If you’re female, once you have opened the door to your heart everything rushes in.  This is your biological destiny.  Women are all about containment.  You keep menstrual blood in for weeks every month, gestate a fetus nine months, manufacture milk until the baby is weaned, and last but not least, if heterosexual, you literally take a man in. Men, on the other hand, are all about expulsion, sexually.  Their very survival as a species depends on expelling sperm, while for women it is all about holding things in. Naturally, these biological imperatives effect our psyche big time.  Women are predisposed to hold on emotionally, and men to let go.  That’s a crucial difference, and it’s hard-wired.  You can be the most evolved person on the face of the earth, and these primal templates will govern your actions more than you might like to admit. 

So, if you’re a man reading this guarding your heart comes more naturally.  You don’t have to consciously protect yourself as much emotionally, because you’re predisposed to not let things in.  Of course, you can suffer loss, but it’s to a different degree.  You are made to let go, release, and move on.  Women are designed to take care of their brood until they can be fully fledged, and that inclines them to stay connected. Disconnection, even from a bad situation, is still wrenching for most women.  (See Phantom Marriage Syndrome.)

If you choose to live and love know the risks.  An open heart is is a wonderful thing and can bring great passion and joy, but sometimes, you will be burned.  You don’t have to be rejected to feel hurt, being the rejector is just as painful.  We end relationships for all sorts of reasons: fear of intimacy, fear of vulnerability, and fear of ultimately being hurt, are the big ones; but, sometimes, we simply outgrow a partner, or learn of a betrayal.  Not everyone is evolving in the same way or on the same schedule.  Some people actually devolve and go back to a more infantile state.  It really doesn’t matter what the reason is.  Even if it’s the best decision you could possibly make there will still be feelings of grief and loss.  

Be brave.  Open your heart.  Take risks.  One day you will drop the body, as they say in India. Until then, why not experience the fullness of life?   

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

There are different types of safety, but the most important one is the safe, secure feeling you can create within yourself.  When coupled, whether due to two incomes, another breathing body next to yours, or the sense that someone is there for you, it is easier to feel supported and cared for.  Once on your own you eventually face the reality of being solely responsible for yourself.

Of course, there may be friends and family; but, if you were part of a couple for years, you are now entering foreign territory. Even if you never really felt your mate had your back, you may still feel a loss of the illusion that someone was there.   It’s not uncommon to deny what we don’t want to see, so if your partner was there in body only you may not have consciously acknowledged that until your actual separation or divorce. 

At first, this seems like its own Shakespearean tragedy; but, in time, you’ll realize you can manage just fine.  Many people have actually said they felt more secure after a divorce because they knew they could count on themselves and didn’t delude themselves with the fantasy that their mate would protect, soothe, or rescue them.  In fact, there are countless people who had very scary experiences while partnered where their significant other was absent or useless.  I know of women who underwent serious surgery and took care of themselves, people who were robbed while their mate slept soundly, or partners who secretly squandered the family’s money leaving no reserves.  But even in those situations, the illusion of the mate as safety net dies hard.  

Remarkably, in most cases, you will find friends, neighbors, colleagues, and family who will give you more support than you were actually getting from your partner.  The trick here is to swallow your false pride and actually ask for help.  That may be a radical departure from your typical M.O., but it will build a coterie of people on whom you can depend. Some may be paid, like a great plumber or electrician, and some may offer their help gratis.  You’ll want both.  Whether you were partnered with someone who helped shoulder life’s burdens or you were the major domo, the situation is different now.  Be brave and ask for support.  Paradoxically, it will make you stronger.  

We’re all fed a mantra of independence that goes back to Pioneer days, when the truth is interdependence is far more satisfying; but, if you’re out of practice, asking for help can feel like a Herculean task. Bite the bullet and ask, anyway. Couples have a tendency to become so isolationist that potential support can seem as elusive as a mirage, but it’s there.  You just have to reach out. In time, asking gets easier. Experiment.  Request a favor from someone.  See what happens.  Undoubtedly, you will be happy to have the help and they will feel useful. You would help them if they needed it, so why not give them the opportunity to assist you?  Let cooperation, rather than independence, be your new watchword. 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

It is wise to remember that the prefrontal cortex, where most higher level thinking takes place, isn’t fully developed until the mid-late twenties. Therefore, young adults, even those with jobs, relationships, and kids of their own are very likely to make foolish decisions. They may side with one parent (typically, the one whose love they feel less sure of; or, who seems needier), keep secrets (i.e. betray one parent), and may even completely avoid contact.  All of these behaviors cause extreme pain, heartache, and despair. They don’t have to, but it’s a rare soul who can detach sufficiently during the crisis of divorce to maintain a long-term perspective.

One would think the rending of a marriage would be enough misery, but when children play favorites, shun you, betray you, or are simply too wrapped up in thier own lives to support you, it can often feel far worse than your divorce.  After all, they are your flesh and blood, your mate is not.

Hackneyed though it may be: Time does heal almost all wounds. Meanwhile, here are some things you can do to hasten the reconciliation process between you and your adult child.

Persevere. Don’t get in your child’s face, but gently, lovingly, and with regularity, show your love. Email, text, send notes, care packages (not self-help books, unless requested), mad money, invitations to come for dinner, anything your child might like.  This is not bribery. You’re not buying them a car,  you’re just making small gestures to show your involvement and love. Don’t give up, no matter how little positive feedback you get in return.  Consistency and repetition are key to teaching them the embedded lesson: you may be divorced from their other parent, but you didn’t divorce them—whatever they put you through. For them, it was unchartered territory. They had no template to work from, and may have made mistakes. We all do. Use this as an opportunity, if you are ready, to forgive them.

Be honest and speak from your heart-mind.  The best way to imagine that place is to think of your mind descending into your heart.  That’s where you’ll find the right answer. Pretending that you are fine if you’re not is no favor to anyone; nor, is it a good example.  Let them see your humanity. Show them you are congruent: you are the same inside and outside.  Kids have excellent B.S. detectors. They will intuit the truth. So, if you’re in pain, don’t pretend life is peachy. By revealing your real thoughts and feelings you give them permission to tell you theirs.  

Once you open the door, they may ask all sorts of questions.  Explain how you are still deconstructing your marriage and haven’t figured it all out. So, whatever you say could change tomorrow; but, be honest about where you are in that moment.

Take responsibility and apologize for all the collateral damage to them.  (Here’s a quick primer from Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. on how to apologize: Admit your responsibility. Express remorse. Acknowledge damage. Promise not do it again.)  

Reiterate how wonderful and lovable they are. The divorce wasn’t related to anything they did or didn’t do. 

Reassure them that marriage is still a good way to experience family life, though not the only way. Remind them that you are glad you had them and there were many happy times watching them grow up.

Make sure they know they won’t be eclipsed by a future mate’s children, or babies you might still have with someone else.  The best way to do this is to keep them front and center by spending time with them, either in person, on the phone, or virtually.

Let them be supportive of you. It’s empowering and makes them feel respected; but, do your best not to lean on them 24/7.

Be patient with their process.  It is difficult, but, whenever you can, take the long view.  However they might be behaving in the moment, underneath, they undoubtedly want a relationship with both their parents.  It’s a lot easier than cutting someone off, which creates a boat load of cognitive dissonance.   

If you aren’t ready for any of the above suggestions let that be OK.  Honor where you are through unconditionally loving and accepting yourself. Understand you’re in a state of flux. Your thoughts, feelings, and actions will change, and so will theirs.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang