Holistic Divorce Counseling

Calming the Emotional Chaos of Grief

chocophile — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:53:21 +0000

A death, divorce, illness, sudden unemployment, or any major loss, creates chaos in your life. This emotional fracturing, as well as the practical aftershocks of dealing with estates, lawyers, housing, finances, doctors, etc., often yields intense feelings that can be overwhelming.

When you think you simply can’t assimilate another thing, it’s crucial to just stop. Even if you have never meditated, simply sitting or lying down and paying attention to your breath will calm your nervous system and give you the literal breather you need.

Sometimes, it’s too hard to stay still, so take a walk; but, it is imperative you give yourself a break from the internal chatter, and incessant activities that may be consuming every waking moment. When you think you don’t have a minute to sit, lie down, or walk, that’s when you desperately need the break. Take it and watch the world continue to spin on its axis.

A big part of healing through grief is connecting with yourself while putting all the parts back together in a new way that makes you feel safe and whole.

As you know, this process of reconnecting all the emotional, physical, and spiritual dots can be an exhausting and chaotic ride. One minute, there’s a sense of control and growing mastery, and the next, you’re surfing a sea of feelings.

Part of the immediate task is showing up with what yogis call Beginner’s Mind and Witness Consciousness. Beginner’s mind means cultivating an attitude of openness when approaching something new, without preconceived notions, just as a beginner would. This particular grief experience is terra incognita; you haven’t had it before. By abandoning all your ideas about how you “should” feel, or behave, you allow yourself to safely feel what is true in this moment. That cosmic permission slip, coupled with open awareness, allows you to fully experience this moment, and all it entails emotionally. While you may want to run from it as if it’s a hungry tiger, the only way out is through. Avoidance may provide short term relief, but often brings long term pain.

Witness consciousness means retraining your mind to detach enough so you can have some objectivity. It is practicing watching something with a neutral perspective, and not identifying with it. Both of these yogic techniques encourage you to leave your ego outside the door. You will never totally succeed in completely detaching from your ego, but these practices allow you to experience the freedom and joy of not taking everything personally, while enhancing your chances for greater inner peace.

Beginner’s mind, witness consciousness, and self-compassion are the trifecta for healing from almost anything. They shore you up, increase your perspective, and allow for enough detachment to see things more clearly.

Just as in yoga, where each visit to the mat reveals something new, the process of unraveling the threads of grief is fresh every minute. Whether it’s a crying spell, a fit of anger, guilt, or deep sadness, recognizing how each one is unique keeps you open to the process of change and transformation.

The chaos of grief is caused, in part, by the old issues it triggers, like abandonment and post-traumatic stress. During times of acute emotional turmoil, being exquisitely gentle with yourself can ease the pain. Recognizing unhelpful thought patterns, and challenging them as vociferously as possible, will also make you feel better and more in control.

The chaotic emotional fallout of grief can also be assuaged by establishing simple routines, like having a tea break at the same time every day, getting some exercise, listening to soothing music (see the chapter on book, CD, and DVD recommendations for ideas), meditating, calling someone supportive, eating at regular intervals, watching the sky, spending time with your pet, or anything else that’s readily available. The simpler, and more easily available the activity, the greater the chance you will make it a habit and it can reliably calm the chaos.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Say something nice!

chocophile — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 14:49:31 +0000

How many things can you think of that are free, make people feel better, and empower the giver? I can only come up with a few, and they all involve saying something nice.

I’m not suggesting you lie, but if you pay attention, there is almost always something you can find to say that is heartfelt and positive.

Who doesn’t like hearing praise? Whether it is about someone’s style, intellect, taste, talent, wit, car color, organizational skills, sense of humor, creativity, hobby, or anything else they do, you can almost always say something that will make someone’s day and boost their self-esteem.

So, why aren’t we all complimenting each other 24/7? For some strange reason, there are people who seem to think compliments take something away from the giver. Others feel self-conscious. Saying something kind empowers both the giver and receiver; and, with practice, it becomes second nature. In addition, every time you point out something positive you will get an extra dose of joy from the delighted reaction on someone’s face.

I’m not suggesting you lard on the compliments. They have to be heartfelt, honest things you genuinely appreciate. If you’re seeing your new friend’s place for the first time and it’s painted in your least favorite color, comment on how bright and cheerful it is, or the creative use of space. There is always something positive you can genuinely say.

Just imagine what the world would be like if every time someone thought something loving, or emotionally generous, they said it. Wouldn’t you be happier if people noticed and commented on your strengths and talents?

Never underestimate the power of a kind word. I remember, a few years ago, I was in the supermarket. There was a middle-aged woman trying to decide which product to buy, and she was all decked out. I noticed, hesitated saying something complimentary because I thought she might think I was weird making a personal comment, and went ahead anyway. I said, “I have to tell you, you look so lovely.” She suddenly got a little teary and said she was having a very bad day and it meant a lot to her to hear that.

Most of us want to make a difference in the world. You can do that every day, by just paying attention, noticing all the little things that make life better, and commenting on them.

Have you ever thought something positive but kept it to yourself? I know when I keep my kind words inside I feel a little regret because I missed an chance to connect.

One caveat: don’t overdo it with the same people or they may think you are being manipulative or want something from them.

Remember Aesop’s fable of the Fox and the Crow? The crow is perched on a tree branch and the fox notices a big piece of cheese in his beak. The fox starts complimenting the crow on his shiny black coat, his regal bearing, and begins to wonder aloud what melodious tones could come from such a majestic throat. After a few minutes, the crow opens his mouth and lets the cheese fall out. The moral: Beware of flatterers. Excessive commentary, no matter how kind or heartfelt, may be seen as suspicious.

When we take the risk to connect with others it renews our optimism in people, life, and ourselves.

Don’t be stingy with your supportive words. Take the time to notice the effort people make. Whether it’s the person bagging your groceries so nothing gets crushed, the soloist at your church choir, or your child calling just to have some contact. Thank them all, point out their kindness, attributes, or thoughtfulness. It will soothe their soul and yours.

In this day and age, when things can be so impersonal, risk making that positive comment. So what if someone thinks your elevator doesn’t go to the top floor. They’re wrong. A kind word counts.

It takes guts to be open. Why be a scaredy cat who keeps all good thoughts inside when you can share them? I encourage you to try it for one day and watch people’s reactions.

Practice saying all those wonderful things you have kept inside and watch the world change, one word at a time.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Demons

chocophile — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 14:32:10 +0000

Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.
Eckhart Tolle

If you are reading this, the demons haven’t won.

Facing your demons is part of life. From your earliest moments when you might have been hungry and the breast or bottle wasn’t immediately available to later life crises, like divorce, death, job loss, financial hardship, illness, and other challenges, everyone is beset with demons. When things are particularly rough, it may seem as if the demons are winning, but as long as you live and breathe, you’re the victor.

Demons are excellent shape-shifters and can morph from one torturous form to another in the blink of an eye. Fear of rejection, worthlessness, false pride, anxiety, failure, pain, jealousy, anger, depression, and giving up on oneself are just some of the guises they assume.

It’s important to remember just how resilient you are, especially in the midst of an invasion. When I say invasion, I mean those times when you feel so overwhelmed by life you think you simply can’t stand another minute. When the emotional pain, grief, or hopelessness is all you can see. At those moments, it is crucial to remember how time limited everything really is, including you. Even if you live a long life, it will still be a relatively short span in the body; and, being incarnate is fraught with all sorts of experiences. When the less appealing ones visit, it’s best to welcome them with open arms, as counter-intuitive as that may seem. By denying what is really happening for you, or repressing your feelings with addictions or unhealthy habits, you forgo the opportunity to grow. You miss the chance to spar with scary thoughts, ugly impulses, or overwhelming grief, all of which move you into a more evolved and compassionate place.

There are still many people out there, and I don’t mean drug dealers, who will offer you a way around your misery. Advertisers will tell you life can be rosy if only you buy X, Y, or Z. Some new-agers will claim a quick way to nirvana, and there are myriad options for dulling one’s pain with obsessive-compulsive behaviors of all kinds. Don’t be beguiled by their dog and pony show. Who wouldn’t want an easy way out from pain? Sign me up! I’d love to think there was some quick panacea; but, after 40 years of studying psychology, religion, and philosophy I truly believe the only way out is through.

That doesn’t mean you have to weather every storm alone. This is the time to ask for and graciously accept help. Whether it is from a friend, relative, therapist, hotline, clergy person, or 12-step group, please avail yourself of any support you can. Just because many of us were brought up with that old Calvinist ethic of independence and self-sufficiency doesn’t mean it was right. If you were traveling West in a covered wagon you definitely needed to be one tough cookie, but most folks are not braving the wilds.

In some accounts, when the Buddha was under the Bodhi tree seeking enlightenment the demons came. He tried to fight them off for days. Finally, realizing that, at best, they would reach an impasse, he invited them to sit with him. I like to think of this as the Buddha inviting his demons to tea. Take a page from the Buddha’s book, befriend your demons. Undoubtedly, you will learn something, and develop more resilience in the process.

Jung, Freud’s disciple, believed each of us has a shadow side and we need to embrace it to be fully human, alive, and whole. By inviting your demons to tea, you own your shadow. You bravely go where many fear to tread. You have the guts to face your anger, fear, jealousy, lack of self-acceptance, guilt, and anything else you deem unacceptable. By dancing with the demons you reclaim your power. If you keep trying to bury them, you unconsciously feed each one and it comes out in projection, attributing all your own issues to others. (Everyone does this to some degree, but being unaware of doing it is problematic.)

It takes guts to face your demons. Luckily, everyone has the innate capacity to tread this rocky path, and has. Have you been ill? Divorced? Child of divorced parents? Child of an alcoholic or addict? Moved to a place where you knew no one? Weathered a financial storm? Been estranged from family? Experienced the death of a loved one? If so, you faced your demons. You courageously soldiered on. It wasn’t easy or fun, but you persevered, even when you thought the pain would never stop. Slowly but surely, it abated. At first, you may not have even noticed the subtle lessening of your anger, anxiety, or grief, but as the weeks and months wore on you started to feel more alive and open. That resiliency supports you through every challenge, allowing you to stretch beyond what you thought your limits were, and finding more capacity to bear what you thought was unbearable.

You are here for the whole enchilada, not just the kittens and rainbows. The sooner you embrace the totality of life, its highs, lows, and everything in between, the sooner you will find some measure of peace. Practicing affirmations, self-soothing thoughts, or a comforting prayer or mantra, will ease you through those trying times everyone has. No one is exempt, no matter what their life looks like, or what story they tell you. Every life is mix of treasures and traumas.

By persevering, speaking lovingly to yourself when the going gets rough, and assuming the best, you will make it to the other side.

Just like all the molecules in you and around you, things are constantly moving and shifting. Whatever you feel at this moment won’t last. It can’t. That’s what makes life so interesting and bittersweet. By embracing the vicissitudes of life with compassion for yourself and others, you allow yourself to fully experience whatever is happening to you right now. Yes, this is also known as mindfulness, acceptance, and liberation.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Restlessness, boredom, and groundlessness

chocophile — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 13:00:53 +0000

While there are a multitude of distractions and amusements available to anyone with a library card, it is not unusual to go through periods of boredom when not even the most scintillating book, movie, or conversation will sate the crankiness demon. At those times, it is best to stop whatever you are doing and simply sit with what is. Are you feeling annoyed, frustrated, agitated, sad, or self-critical? Welcome whatever comes up. Investigate it. Do something paradoxical and try to increase the feeling. This may sound counter-productive, but it will actually help you figure out what is going on. If you let yourself go deeply into your boredom the underlying issue will surface. Once it does, ask yourself how you want to handle it. Consciously choose to explore your thoughts and feelings though journaling, talking with someone (friend, relative, clergy, or therapist), or simply breathing, meditating, and allowing them.

Boredom is uncomfortable, and it is natural to want to banish it immediately. By exploring what is going on right this minute, you allow yourself to relax with what’s coming up. It is only a feeling. You have probably felt every emotion before, whether fear, joy, anger, love, anxiety, sadness, or grief, and you’re still alive.

Boredom is often a code word for something else. It seems to appear when your internal state is so strong anything external loses its power to divert you. The irritability comes from wanting relief from those simmering uncomfortable feelings and knowing the only way out is through. When nothing feels right or good, just breathing can be a refuge.

No one likes feeling irritable, bored, or restless. Nor should you. Perhaps, the purpose of these annoying feelings is to wake you out of a funk. Sometimes, an unpleasant state of mind is necessary when routine ways of being and doing have sucked the novelty out of life. Variety does spice things up, and without it living can lose its luster. Whether it’s trying different foods, listening to new music, taking a drive to an unknown locale, or going to an art opening, mixing things up helps you thrive. In addition to creating new neural pathways, unpredictability and spontaneity create a sense of surprise and delight. Of course, it has to be the right amount. Too much novelty and you feel groundless, too little and you’re bored.

Maintaining emotional balance is not easy. Life, with all its demands, intrudes on the best laid plans. So, boredom, restlessness, and groundlessness appear. Re-grounding yourself can be as easy as feeling your body sitting, standing, or moving, eating something mindfully, looking out a window and really seeing what meets your gaze, taking a walk, calling a friend, listening to music, writing in your journal, or anything else that uses some of that irritable energy. Even meditation, not an easy feat when you are feeling crabby, is helpful, since it reminds you this is merely a passing state you can label and release. Actually, you are not really releasing the state as much as your attachment to it.

Boredom, restlessness, and groundlessness are simply different terms for feeling temporarily stuck and uncomfortable. You will not stay in this state of mind. Everything changes, and that is what makes life so interesting. You never know what’s next. By sitting with what is, or actively shaking things up a bit, you practice mindfulness or self-determination. Sometimes, one will work better than the other. It’s always good to have a few arrows in your quiver since one day sitting with your feelings will be the right choice, and another doing something proactively will work.

The following grounding techniques utilize your ability to actively focus attention on something external to distract you from whatever thoughts and feelings seem unpleasant, overwhelming, or boring. (They are from another chapter called Grounding Techniques.)

5-4-3-2-1 meditation. Wherever you are, notice 5 things you can see, then 5 things you can hear, and then 5 things you can physically feel. Continue with four things in each category, then 3 things in each category, then 2 and, finally, 1. Allow about 15 minutes to complete one full cycle. It is preferable to find new things, but not necessary.

Another 5-4-3-2-1 meditation. Wherever you are, notice 5 objects, 5 colors, 5 shapes, and 5 textures, then 4 in each category,, then 3, then 2, and 1.

Think of all the vocabulary words you can rememeber from another language you studied.

Recall your favorite foods, places you have visited, movies, books, or music.

Recite a poem you memorized as a child.

Describe in minute detail a mundane activity you do every day, like brushing your teeth: I pick up the toothbrush, I turn on the water, I wet the toothbrush, I put toothpaste on the toothbrush, etc.

Imagine a time when you felt very safe and describe it in great detail, using all five senses.

Sing a song.

Build a sanctuary in your head. Add as much detail as possible.

Focus on where your body is contacting the floor, a chair, or bed. Breathe into that place.

Widen and stretch your fingers and toes. Relax them and repeat.

Repeat a prayer, affirmation, or mantra. Use a rosary or mala beads to help anchor the repetitions.

Count backwards by threes from 100.

List how many things you can do, from the mundane to the most sophisticated.

Play old car games in your head, like Geography (where you say the name of a place and use the last letter of that place as the first letter of your next one) or I Packed My Trunk and In It I Put an A (apple), a B (beta endorphin), a C (color wheel), to Z, going through the whole alphabet, starting from A each time you add another letter.

Look out the window and notice subtle color differences in the sky, cloud configurations, trees and branches, or the various shapes and sizes of leaves.

Feel your breath. Remind yourself that you are alive, and whatever you are feeling is part of life. You are here to feel it all.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Sitting With Discomfort

chocophile — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 14:37:40 +0000

I have a confession to make: I don’t believe you can feel happy 24/7, any more than you can feel anything every minute for your entire life. We are designed to feel a broad spectrum of emotions because, so far, they have kept us safe and helped perpetuate the human race.

We all know how something that feels bad can actually redound to your highest good in the future. But, being the hedonists we are designed to be, we naturally avoid pain and seek pleasure. What if sitting with discomfort helped us make peace with it, increased our frustration tolerance and our ability to accept life as it is? As Albert Ellis used to say, it’s a choice between short-term hedonism and long-term hedonism. If we forego the pleasure of the moment we can reap greater benefits in the future. In today’s society, delaying gratification is not popular; however, when we learn to sit with what we don’t like we actually build emotional muscle and can handle the next challenge with greater ease.

When we feel anxious, for example, our first inclination is for relief, which usually consists of avoidance. We can distract ourselves with TV, video games, pornography, food, alcohol, drugs (including prescription psychotropics), gambling, etc. and create new problems; or, we can do the last thing we instinctively gravitate towards: sit with the feeling. Yes, just allow it. Breathe into it. Can you feel the discomfort physically? If so, notice its characteristics. Is your breathing shallow? Is your back tense? Do you feel a headache coming on? Is your jaw clenched Are your shoulders hunched up? Is your abdomen tight? Breathe into whatever you notice.

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings. With practice, it will help you accept yourself and your reality. By resting in awareness you stop fighting what is true for you now and open to the possibility that it is all OK. You can handle what you don’t like.

Many incredibly intelligent and insightful souls, like the Buddha, Ram Dass, and Tolle have encouraged us to be here now. That means being with whatever comes up. Your job isn’t to like everything, but to be aware and open. Luckily, this becomes easier when you remind yourself everything passes, the pleasant and the unpleasant.

It is crucial to understand that the goal here is not necessarily to figure out why you are feeling what you’re feeling, but to stay with the discomfort. You may even want to cultivate some curiosity about what you are feeling.

Granted, mindfulness practice is counter-intuitive, but when you are fully in the moment you can actually relax into what is. Resisting your feelings often increases them and their power. No harm will come to you if you embrace your feelings, though it may be uncomfortable. In time, you will notice a feeling or sensation and, rather than avoid it, you will label and accept it. Another great benefit of this practice is that by gently and lovingly accepting where you are you become more compassionate with yourself and others.

Impermanence is the name of the game. Nothing lasts, good or bad. You may not care to remind yourself of that in the middle of an ice cream sundae (though it might make you more appreciative and increase your enjoyment), but it is helpful to remember when times are tough.

Once you allow yourself to be with what is true for you now, remember the quote: “Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.” By resisting the urge to rate your feelings, or yourself as bad for having them, you will begin to know the peace that comes from acceptance, and your discomfort won’t morph into suffering.

Here are some exercises to help you on your path to emotional freedom:

Consciously stop yourself a few times a day to do an internal check.

What am I feeling now?

Can I allow this feeling, whether physical, emotional or spiritual, without trying to repress it, or distract myself from it?

Stay with whatever comes up, especially if you don’t like it.

Try to label what you are experiencing. For example: tightness in my throat, muscle spasms in my low back, tension in my jaw, etc.

Name your emotions as if you were simply observing them, like: anxiety, sadness, anger, resentment, grief, etc.

Breathe into any area of discomfort, and keep drawing your breath there until you feel it relax.

Immerse yourself in Buddhist thought by reading books by Pema Chodron, and listening to podcasts on iTunes like: A Quiet Mind, The I.D. Project, or interviews on Sounds True.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Trust

chocophile — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 21:19:17 +0000

If hope is the thing with feathers, as Emily Dickenson said, then trust floats on gossamer wings.

Most people lose that child-like trust with the end of a first love, but not all. I have known a handful of souls who maintained it until death, or appeared to, but it’s certainly not the norm. Life intrudes on the fantasy that someone will be an all-loving, supportive parent. Paradoxically, if you had toxic parents, it’s even harder to relinquish this desire as yearning for a kinder, gentler life becomes a mission to get what you missed as a child.

Whether trust is broken by an affair, an addiction, or the gradual departure of someone’s heartfelt interest, it requires a radical shift in your world view. Emotionally adjusting to that cognitive terra incognita takes time and energy, but is worth it as it builds maturity and a commitment to being responsible for yourself.

At the end of the day, if you truly trusted someone and found out he or she was unworthy of that level of faith, you may swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and feel wary of everyone. That’s OK. It’s temporary. When you have been badly burned it’s natural to fear fire. Eventually, you will allow people into your heart again. You may never trust anyone else 100%. That’s fine, because the real task is learning to trust yourself. Before we explore ways to build self trust, let’s look at what trust entails.

Trust may mean your parent, child, mate, friend, business partner will:

Take care of you when you’re sick or old.

Tell you the truth.

Treat you kindly.

Be faithful.

Keep your secrets.

Honestly, and with compassion, share most of their thoughts, feelings, and personal information.

Listen to your thoughts, opinions, and concerns.

Have your best interests at heart.

Everyone has their own notion of what trust feels like. On some level, trust is having faith in someone else’s ability to truly know and support you. This may mean nurturing, protecting, listening, contributing financially, knowing what you are thinking without you having to say it, anticipating your desires, etc. As you can see, it’s a tall order. The most realistic approach is to hope someone who loves you will do their best, most of the time, to act for your highest good. It doesn’t hurt to remember that everyone is after their own happiness, and they will usually put that before yours. So, if the relationship is reciprocal and they feel they are getting most of what they want, they will make a bigger effort to please you. If not, they will have less incentive.

There are two important things to remember about trust:

1. Your decision to trust someone is a gift to you, not to them. You do it for peace of mind.

2. If they betray you, it is a reflection of who they are, and says nothing about you.

If you have been betrayed and your trust was breached, it may be a good idea to use the above concepts as mantras until they become automatic. When something bad happens, it is all too easy to let feelings of insecurity, vulnerability, and grief distort your perception. Thinking more clearly will change your feelings from anger, despair, worthlessness, hopelessness, depression, and anxiety to acceptance, optimism, sadness, and concern, all of which will help you adjust to a new reality.

Trusting yourself is much harder than handing yourself over to someone else. After all, you came into the world as a helpless infant who needed adult care and attention, so on some very deep level, it’s tempting to want to feel fully nurtured by someone. Since everyone has some abandonment issues, this desire is heightened by the fear that those we love the most will eventually leave. The good news is until you drop the body, as they say in India, you can always count on yourself. It may take a lot of practice to prove to yourself you are truly capable of healthy self-care, but you are. Keep at it and the emotional rewards will accrue, until, one day, you will automatically guide yourself towards self-loving thoughts and behaviors.

How can you build inner security and self-trust?

Patiently accept your own pace as you move forward in your journey.

Take responsibility for yourself emotionally, financially, physically, socially, intellectually, vocationally, and spiritually.

Practice supportive self-talk by saying loving things to yourself. Even if you are lucky enough to have friends, family, or a therapist who repeatedly tells you calming,
helpful things, there is something deeply soothing about being able to hear those words in your head, and comfort yourself with them anytime—knowing you really mean them. Either way, the more you hear them, the more quickly they will become second nature, eventually eclipsing the cacophony of internal self-downing you may have been immersed in for as long as you can remember.

Everything, no matter how awful it might feel in the moment, is for your highest good and personal evolution. When you are struggling, miserable, grief-stricken, and saturated with anxiety, it seems almost impossible to remember this deep truth. Even if you don’t believe it, just keep repeating it. Eventually, you will see the way life constantly shifts and changes. It’s just like a seesaw, only now, you know you are the fulcrum.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Complaining, physical symptoms & journaling

chocophile — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:22:01 +0000

“What annoyances are more painful than those of which we cannot complain?”
Marquis de Custine

“Things are seldom what they seem, skim milk masquerades as cream.”
From H.M.S. Pinafore by Gilbert and Sullivan

Have you ever noticed yourself vacillating between feeling grateful and complaining? Take heart, they don’t cancel each other out, nor do they have to compete. As strange as it may seem, both are necessary for you to maintain a balanced view of life. Repressing negative thoughts and feelings is not healthy or desirable. Allowing the full spectrum of emotions is your ticket to a more authentic, content life. If we weren’t supposed to experience rage, frustration, anger, irritation, jealousy, envy, or any other “negative” emotion they would all have been extinct by now. The fact that everyone has the full complement of feelings is evidence they are necessary. Having them and acknowledging they exist is not the same thing as expressing them inappropriately. It is far better to write in your journal than to escalate your anger into road rage, or homicidal behavior. Unfortunately, many people, especially women, are trained to think they have to be “sugar and spice and everything nice” as the old nursery rhyme used to say. Not only can this be stultifying emotionally, it can morph into all sorts of physical issues, some of which can be painful to the point of immobilization.

Dr. John Sarno, who wrote a number of books, beginning with “Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection,” has always maintained emotions you find unacceptable get expressed physically in the form of TMS, tension myositis syndrome. The purpose of this muscle tension, and the pain it produces, is to distract you from negative thoughts and feelings you deem inappropriate to your self-concept as a good, kind, loving, generous, person. The cure is to allow 15-30 minutes a day to journal your nastiest, angriest, and most loathsome thoughts. On the face of it, you may think this goes against everything written on this site about envisioning the best and allowing it to come to you. It doesn’t. To paraphrase Carl Jung, we all have a shadow side and denying it only creates misery. By taking time every day to let your darkest thoughts and feelings rise to conscious awareness, you keep them from festering and expressing themselves in other, more insidious ways.

According to Dr. Sarno, it is typically the nicest people who suffer from TMS the most. They are do-gooders, perfectionists, self-critical, overly responsible, and prone to guilt. Naturally, allowing and acknowledging a slew of negative thoughts and feelings is anathema to people whose very existence has depended on being perceived as loving, giving, and kind-hearted. But, if not allowing yourself to peer into your dark side produces chronic pain, or other challenging physical symptoms that intrude on your life, you may want to experiment with a little emotional spelunking.

Do you want to be the person who is so invested in being seen as 100% lovely, kind, generous, patient, self-sacrificing, etc. that you are willing to live with inner emotional turmoil and physical symptoms? That may sound like a rhetorical question, but it isn’t. Many people choose that route because it can be incredibly ego-gratifying. If you find yourself suffering from chronic pain, migraines, IBS, insomnia, or other intrusive physical issues, you may want to give Dr. Sarno’s prescription a try.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Anxiety

chocophile — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 15:04:38 +0000

Everyone feels anxious sometimes. Our technologically driven society has accelerated the pace at which people live, increasing the pressure to be available 24/7 and handle everything immediately. Along with all the other stresses of daily life in the 21st century, like jobs, family care, food preparation, education, home maintenance, doctor appointments, recreation, and socializing, this creates a sense of urgency that easily morphs into anxiety. While these are all externally driven, and fairly obvious, the deeper culprits are internal thoughts, far more slippery and harder to discern.

A holistic approach to lowering your anxiety (you will never eliminate it completely) focuses on cognitive, behavioral, nutritional, spiritual, environmental, and, if warranted, homeopathic and herbal support.

Many people think fear and anxiety are the same thing. They are not. Fear is when there is an immediate threat, like your house is burning down and you have no idea where you will live. Anxiety is when you are safe, but imagine your house burning down next week.

Whenever you make a demand of yourself, have a perfectionistic goal, assume the worst, or focus on the future, you are stoking your anxiety. It may seem as if anxiety appears unbidden, but it doesn’t. Your repetitive thoughts and worrying create tension. Tension can trigger butterflies in your stomach, teeth grinding, hyper-vigilance, dry mouth, digestive issues, insomnia, sweating, trembling, twitching, nightmares, rapid breathing, decreased concentration, tachycardia, headaches, muscle tension, dizziness, changes in appetite, jumpiness, and exhaustion, just to name a few.

The first thing is to pay attention to your thoughts. When you feel anxious, ask yourself, “What am I thinking to create this tension?” Then, pretend you are a scientist and ask, “Are my thoughts true? Can I back them up with real data?”

Imagine each thought sitting on the witness stand and you’re the prosecutor.
Challenge your worst case scenarios by asking:

How do I know this will happen?
Even if it does, who says I can’t handle it?
Must I see challenges as awful, horrible, or unbearable?
Haven’t I dealt with everything that has happened to me, so far?
Where is it written that I have to enjoy everything?
How does not feeling or acting in control 24/7 make me a failure?
Do I have to do everything perfectly to deserve some peace of mind?
Everyone’s life is a series of peaks and valleys, why should mine be different?

Now, answer these questions honestly, and you’ll see how much freer and more relaxed you feel.

It is also helpful to keep an anxiety diary where you write down when you feel anxious, and rate each episode on an intensity scale from one to ten. This helps you see varying levels of anxiety, and shows you your biggest triggers. Conversely, thinking of times when you felt relaxed, and seeing what they have in common, increases your chances of finding behaviors that cultivate more inner peace.

One of my favorite techniques to combat anxiety through re-framing your thoughts is the following:

Number a piece of paper from 100, at the top, to one at the bottom, counting down by five. So you have 100, 95, 90, etc. all the way down the left side of the page.

Now, think of the worst thing that could possibly happen to you physically, like an incurable disease, and put it at number 100.

At the bottom of the page, put the most minor physical thing that could happen to you, like a paper cut or a stubbed toe.
Figure out where things like blindness, breaking a leg, a stomach flu, etc. might go until you have filled in all 21 lines.

When you next feel anxious, look at your list and ask yourself which thing you would trade for your anxiety right now.
Try to choose the thing you would really rather have than your current anxiety.

Look at its corresponding number and that will tell you the percentage of badness you think your anxiety rates.

For example, you feel anxious about an upcoming test. After careful consideration, you decide you’d rather have a bad cold than feel this anxiety. A bad cold is number 10 on your list. So, now you know, when push comes to shove, you really only think your anxiety is 10% bad.

This helps you completely re-frame and reduce your perception of how bad your anxiety really is and lowers it. It also stops the tendency to catastrophize about feeling anxious.

Dr. Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, used to suggest Rational-Emotive Imagery as a way to fortify oneself against anxiety.

When not feeling especially anxious, you sit someplace comfortable, close your eyes, and make yourself feel anxious. (It may take a few minutes, so be patient.)
Try for, at least, a 7 on a scale of 1-10.

Once you’re there, lower your anxiety to about a 2-4 on that same scale.

Open your eyes and ask yourself what you did to create your anxiety and how you lessened it.

You are likely to discover certain thoughts or images that create and deflate your anxiety.

The more you practice this, the more you will retrain yourself and feel less anxious. Aim for a few times a day for a month.

Remember, all humans experience some anxiety; so, the goal is not to extinguish all of it, but to get it to a manageable level.

Discomfort anxiety is rarely spoken of, but quite ubiquitous. It’s the anxiety you feel when you think you will be uncomfortable in a future situation. It may be anxiety about going for a dental cleaning, asking someone out on a date, or attending a party where you don’t know many people. In your imaginary scenario you won’t be in severe pain, but you may feel discomfort. Sometimes, it’s helpful to recognize discomfort anxiety as different from “regular” anxiety because it helps tamp it down.

You can also try experimenting with anti-awfulizing thoughts, like:

“I have had my teeth cleaned before and I was fine.”
“Plenty of people ask someone out on a date and live to tell of it. What’s the worst thing that can happen? I’ll be rejected. No one I know has ever died of rejection. I can deal with it, even if it is unpleasant.”

One of my all-time favorite anxiety busters is the 4-4-4 breath. With a closed mouth, breathing through your nose, slowly (slowly means like counting one Mississippi, two Mississippi, etc.) inhale to a slow count of four, hold your breath for another slow count of four, and exhale, for a slow count of four. Five cycles of this technique will shift your sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) to your parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest). It’s incredibly simple, but very effective.

Another breathing exercise that is especially good for hyperventilating is to exhale and hold your breath as long as you comfortably can. Doing this a few times will also redirect your nervous system.

Here are some vitamin, herbal, and homeopathic suggestions. Please talk with your health care provider before taking any of these as they may interfere with other medications you may be using, or be contraindicated for certain health issues.

400 mg of Magnesium Citrate gently lowers anxiety, and is an excellent prophylactic if you want to feel calmer on a daily basis.

Bach’s Rescue Remedy has been helping people decrease their stress, panic, and anxiety since the 1930s. Just a few drops on your tongue, or in a water bottle you can sip all day, will soothe your jangled nerves.

Rock Rose, another Bach remedy, is truly amazing at quelling panic attacks. Literally, within 20 seconds of taking a few drops under your tongue you will notice a cellular change in your system. You won’t feel drugged, but you will be soothed enough so you can go on.

Passionflower, an herb you can easily find as a tincture, is very gentle on your liver and can be used 2-3 times a day for many months with confidence. Think of it as a concentrated tea that tames anxiety. You may also notice a positive cumulative effect if you use it for a few weeks.

Melissa, also known by it’s English name: Lemon Balm, is an excellent soporific and anti-rumination remedy. It’s best taken 15 minutes before bed to quiet the mind and induce sleep. This herb is suggested for occasional use, or for a few especially challenging weeks, because long-term use can strain your liver.

While there are a plethora of mantras and affirmations that can quiet the mind, I especially like the following for their emotional strength and brevity:
Right this minute everything is fine.
Right now, I’m OK.

Last but not least, give yourself a cosmic permission slip to feel anxious. Paradoxically, the real culprit of persistent anxiety is telling yourself it is not OK to feel it. This self-censoring actually increases your anxiety and takes it from anxiety about the original situation (tests, doctors, finances, etc.) into anxiety about feeling anxious. The truth is: you have felt anxious in the past and survived. Thinking this way actually increases your tolerance for discomfort and allows you to start using all the above strategies and techniques.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Manifesto II: How To Write Yours

chocophile — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 19:15:51 +0000

Manifesto: a public declaration of intentions, opinions, objectives, or motives.

As a long-time yogi, I have been setting an intention before my daily practice for over ten years. Perhaps, it was this habit that prompted me to write my first manifesto in 2004. Gathering healing thoughts and wishes into one short document was enlightening, centering, and deeply positive. Since others have found this process helpful, I wanted to share the method and give you some suggestions for possible inclusions in your own manifesto.

The best thing you can do when you start to write anything is let it flow. As you allow thoughts, feelings and ideas to take shape on the page, give yourself the gift of writing without interruption. That means both carving out a little time for yourself, as well as not stopping to edit your words. You can revise and re-write later on.

If you like brainstorming, write the word “Manifesto” in the middle of a blank page and let your mind wander. When an idea pops into your head write it in a circle around that central word. Then, focus on each word and write what comes to mind in a line branching out from it. That may be enough for one day. If you feel like continuing, focus on any word or concept that speaks to you and think of your wish for your own growth, development, or peace as it relates to that idea.

Daydream. Recent studies show that encouraging your mind to wander in what appears to be an aimless manner actually generates creative solutions to problems, and is just as valid as any other kind of “work.” If you regularly keep a journal, or a dream journal, you may find re-reading entries gives you plenty of fodder for your manifesto.

If you have a health issue, you might explore ways to be more comfortable with your body, think of phrases that help you let go of preconceived notions about your health, and accept things as they are since you can be sure they will change. In situations you can’t control, it is often best to find power in letting go, and allowing what is to be exactly as it is.

During a particularly transformative or transitioning period, you may want to focus your intentions on building resilience. Certain life events, like being a new parent, taking a job, or moving naturally inspire new thoughts and wishes. Let your mind wander and imagine ways you would like to be in this stage of your life.

If you are working with a therapist, there may be recurring themes you want to address.

Whether you try some of these suggestions, read the examples below, or just start writing, it is best to remember, your manifesto is an ever changing, fluid document meant to support you on your journey to your truest self. It is not a rigid set of rules or “shoulds” to encourage negative self-talk, or critical self-evaluations. Let your imagination run wild. Think of how you would like to live your life and write what comes from that deep, all-knowing place.

Here are some ideas to stoke your own creative process:

I embrace my humanity and fallibility.

I appreciate every goodness and kindness in my life by practicing gratitude.

I allow my body, mind, and spirit the time and space to heal.

Every day, I make time for self-reflection.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment.

I get outside and let nature work her magic.

All I seek is already within me.

I tenderly acknowledge the small, vulnerable child in myself and others.

I surround myself with beauty.

I give my body the movement or stillness it seeks.

When I feel hopeless, I let myself take another breath until despair departs.

I regularly tune in to nourish any areas I have neglected, whether social, creative, physical, spiritual, or intellectual.

I acknowledge my losses and grieve, letting go when the time is right.

I cultivate patience during the fallow times for they nourish and prepare me for a bountiful harvest I may not be able to see in those dormant, but fertile, moments.

Every day, my heart opens a little more with compassion for myself and others.

I allow myself to feel and express all emotions.

I carefully and authentically share my truths.

When I say or do something insensitive or thoughtless I apologize.

I take all the time I need to be with grief, hurt, and anger knowing they will pass.

Appreciating my unique gifts comes easily and naturally to me.

I rise to the joys and challenges of each day, knowing I have made it through every one, so far.

I allow life to unfold and surprise me.

I welcome the rhythms of my body, mind, and spirit as they continually evolve.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Patience

chocophile — Mon, 16 May 2011 22:54:13 +0000

How poor are they who have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees.
William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616)

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
Titus Maccius Plautus (254 BC – 184 BC)

“Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears.”
Barbara Johnson

Many years ago, when I was studying with Albert Ellis, he told a story about a man standing on line at the grocery store with half a gallon of ice cream. The line wasn’t moving, and the ice cream was getting softer by the second. He was feeling increasingly annoyed until he realized the line was held up by an elderly blind man. Suddenly, the ice cream didn’t seem so important.

Al brought that up to show us how quickly our feelings change when we think differently. The man adjusted his thoughts in a split second, and his feelings went from impatience to gratitude. The story also illustrates how patience is a beautiful thing once we open to it.

During my childhood, I recall my father saying, “All good things come to those who wait.” If I still felt impatient about something, he would add, “Act in haste, and repent at leisure.” While I now believe he was right, I had already inculcated America’s predilection for instant gratification, and had not the slightest interest in delaying it.

Our culture is far more oriented towards immediate gratification than ever. We seem to have a collective notion that, as long as we put the pedal to the metal, we can achieve whatever we want. I believe both concepts are true and compatible, even though they may seem contradictory. Waiting, resting, and allowing things to develop are just as crucial to our creativity and productivity (whether in work, relationships, or hobbies) as is forging ahead with vision boards, imagery, affirmations, and good old grit.

In America today, waiting is often a close cousin to slothfulness and reviled with every Calvinist molecule we breathe. Patience with the process is not only undervalued, it is often scorned as laziness. But laziness and patience are as different as chalk and cheese. Allowing things to unfold takes a ton of energy and vision, especially, if you are someone for whom “moving forward” is an inner mantra.

Some people actually fear resting and taking it easier because they secretly believe if they ratchet down their activity level they will never be able to crank it up again. Nothing could be further from the truth. Rest rejuvenates and energetically prepares you for the tasks at hand.

My colleague, Robyn Posin, PhD., has often said, “Rest is a sacred act.” I couldn’t agree more. By resting you show yourself compassion, recharge your batteries, and allow time for new knowledge to sink in, whether physical, emotional, spiritual, or intellectual. In addition, by cultivating patience with yourself it becomes easier to bestow kindness on others.

Advertising would have you believe that working yourself to the bone is fine, as long as you crack open a beer at the end of the day, go to a spa, or splurge on some other luxury. This lets the stress accrue until it feels as if you have to take a break. On the other hand, regularly giving yourself small treats, as Iris Murdoch once said, is one of the secrets to a happy life. The joy you feel when you take a real break to do a little yoga, eat a leisurely lunch, or read a book softens the challenges of day-to-day living.

Life can be stressful enough without adding extra bricks to your load. Rushing, always pushing yourself to do more, thinking you are only as valuable as what you do, adds as much, if not more, stress than all the things on your to-do list. These added stressors typically fall into the “shoulds” category. Many years ago Karen Horney, an analyst, wrote a famous essay called, “The Tyranny of the Shoulds.” She was right in her assessment of how easy it is to be hard on oneself. By challenging these “shoulds” you can free up more time to be patient with whatever you want to achieve, whether it’s personal, professional, or avocational.

When you rush the process, whatever it is, you miss opportunities for growth, peace, and being in the moment. Of course, sitting with what is can be very challenging, especially, when it is something you don’t want. It’s natural to crave the next better-feeling thing and want it instantly. Giving yourself the gift of patience allows you to digest what is happening now. What’s the rush? Hurrying can keep you from healing self-awareness, being in the moment, and just sitting with your thoughts and feelings. They may not always be fun, or pleasant, but rushing through them is often a guarantee that you will have to learn that same lesson, whatever it is, again. If one of your goals in life is radical self-acceptance, practicing patience is surely a helpful strategy.

Here are a few ideas you may want to try if you notice yourself rushing frenetically from one thing to the next:

What “shoulds” rule your life? Take a few minutes to brainstorm. Once you have a list ask yourself where you can scale back, do less, or simply take more time to get something accomplished.

Do you have trouble saying no? If you want more time to rest and slow down, you need to practice feeling the discomfort that can come from not always giving others what they want, and possibly incurring their disappointment or rejection. This is especially true if you think your sense of worth depends on what you do, rather than who you are. Try saying no to one thing every day. How does it feel? If even thinking of saying no creates anxiety, ask yourself if it’s ok for you to really nurture yourself. Often, it’s the super nurturers who neglect themselves. If saying no has always been a challenge, you may want to read a basic assertiveness book like, “When I Say No, I feel Guilty,” or “The Assertive Option.”

Notice when you are impatient with yourself. Is there a correlation between those times and being over-scheduled? Have you taken on more than you can comfortably do? Practice talking back to that inner voice always egging you on to do more, and radically choose to do less.

Think back to a time when someone was patient with you. Perhaps it was a parent who taught you how to ride a bike, a teacher who helped you learn the alphabet, or a coach who cheered on every little improvement you made. Allow yourself to really feel that expansive, generous space in which you could learn something without rushing, and let it settle in your heart.

Do you find yourself rushing because you try to fit one extra thing into your day? Experiment with crossing things off your list and adding in time to read, rest, listen to music, take an Epsom Salt bath (this replenishes magnesium and relaxes your muscles), have a cup of tea, go for a relaxing walk, or watch the clouds move across the sky. Just be.

Give yourself the gift of more time by scheduling longer intervals between activities. For example, if you routinely take only 15 minutes to get dressed for a night out, leave yourself 30 minutes.

Last but not least, be patient with yourself as you develop this new skill. Patience is like a muscle, it gets stronger the more you use it.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang