Betrayal III: Using the Children to Lie for You January 15, 2009

 

There is little compelling literature on the effects of divorce on adult children, though you can be sure there are consequences.  Judith Wallerstein’s bleak statistics notwithstanding, no one really knows what’s better for children: staying in a disturbed household with unhappy parents or dealing with the chaos of divorce.  Naturally, things are different if the children are adults when the parents split.  It’s still no day at the beach, but the issues shift.  Certainly, trust, optimism about the viability of long-term marriage, and insecurity play out for almost all children, whatever their age.  

 

I don’t believe the research is comprehensive enough to predict much, but one thing seems clear: if a parent used a child, of any age, to aid and abet his lies to the other parent the child will suffer more.  It’s a case of short-term hedonism vs. long-term hedonism.  In the short run, the parent who enlists the child to lie to the other parent has the short-term benefit of a sense of closeness and allegiance with that child as they keep secrets that harm the other parent.  Clearly, this fosters guilt in the child, no matter what their age, as they know their behavior is detrimental to the other parent.  In the long-term, the parent who enlisted the child’s complicity in lying and keeping secrets ends up losing the child’s trust. Whether consciously or unconsciously, the child understands that parent will do whatever is necessary to help their own position, including using their child.

 

Trust is like a good habit: hard to make and easy to break.  When it is gone, it may never fully return.  I remember, when I was a young woman, my father bought a house in England and asked me not to tell my mother.  (They were still married at that time, but divorced when I was 33, a long time coming non-event to me.)  It was a burden I did not want, but because I so desired a relationship with him, I agreed.  Eventually, he told her, but for those intervening years, I felt like a traitor.  On reflection, I believe his asking me to lie for him, made me trust him less.  If he could lie to her, he could lie to me.  A parent intuitively knows the child craves his or her love and respect, and can wield their emotional power to influence a child’s behavior, even if that child is an adult.

 

I believe that many parents who ask their children to lie for them have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD: all that matters is what’s best for them.  It may also be a way to prove to themselves that their child loves them as s/he is colluding with them against the other parent.

 

The DSM-IV-TR defines NPD as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts,” such as family life and work.

 

According to the DSM-IV-TR, a patient must exhibit five or more of the following traits in order to be diagnosed with NPD:

• grandiose sense of self-importance
• preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• belief that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• need for excessive admiration
• sense of entitlement
• takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• lacks empathy
• often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
• shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

 

I include all this information only to show that, while divorce brings out the worst in many people, pre-existing personality traits (like NPD, and sociopathy; see “Betrayal” on this site) have a great deal to do with the emotional detritus that gets foisted on children, whatever their age.

 

Divorcing parents and their children need all the support they can get.  It is natural for them to rely on each other.  Many researchers focus on the negative effects of a parent’s unburdening to a child; but, if the child is an adult, the same behavior can catalyze a deeper, more mature, differently balanced relationship between them.  However, because divorce is a time of extreme emotional instability when poor decisions are the coin of the realm, asking children to lie is particularly manipulative and cruel.  Resist if you want your child to trust, and feel safe, with you.  If not, whatever short-term gain you think you have secured will undoubtedly accrue to your long-term detriment.

 

 

“The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce,” by Judith Wallerstein,  Julia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee, is based on a 25-year examination of the lives of 93 Marin County adults.

Suite101.com 

 

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Betrayal II January 5, 2009

 

No matter how old you are there is still a little child inside you.  He or she craves truth and fairness.  Who hasn’t heard the lament “That’s not fair!” yelled in a playground or schoolroom?  Craving truth seems to be innate.  That’s why betrayal, whose coin of the realm is lying, goes against our grain so deeply.

 

Randy Pausch, in his famous Last Lecture (available on YouTube) said, “If I only had three words of advice I could give you they would be : Tell the Truth.  If I were allowed three more, they would be: All the time.”  Isn’t this fascinating?  When facing his own imminent death the most important thing he could think of was telling the truth.

 

You can tell the truth ’til the cows come home, but you cannot force others to be honest.  You can’t make them worthy of your trust.  When you fall in love and commit yourself to someone you assume the best.  If it turns out you misjudged them, such is life.  Disappointment comes to all who breathe.  Recovering from a life-flattening disappointment involves acceptance, and forgiving yourself for placing your trust in the wrong person.  If you are honest you really can’t grasp how others can lie. It’s like trying to see if you’re blind.  It just isn’t going to happen.  It’s a form of grandiosity, not to mention irrationality, to have thought someone you trusted would never hurt or betray you. You are just as vulnerable to deceit as the next person, even if it flies in the face of thinking you’re special—or, so special to that other person they wouldn’t deceive you.  The fact is: it was never about you.  Your behavior, whatever it was, didn’t make someone lie.  That was their choice.

 

Everyone gets conned.  If you doubt that, Google Bernie Madoff.  He pulled the wool over people who are trained to be vigilant and untrusting, like the Securities and Exchange Commission.  So resist self-downing.  It’s easy to Monday morning quarterback and think you should have seen the signs, but you couldn’t see what you didn’t seek.  

 

An antidote to accepting incomprehensible behavior is learning to trust yourself.  That may sound counter-intuitive, given recent experience, but it’s not about trusting yourself to know everything.  It’s about trusting yourself to know you can handle anything life dishes out, and be better for it.  More compassionate, more loving, and paradoxically, more open.  You’ve been badly hurt, but you’re alive.  Start trusting yourself to take the very best care of you no matter what happens.  Let’s call it radical self-care (see Robyn Posin’s cards, listed in the Annotated Bibliography, for ways to re-program your thinking, and embark on a loving, caring, patient journey to your true self.). By practicing radical self-care you create a solid floor upon which to stand.  One that will support you when others disappoint or lie to you.  

 

Trust yourself to heal and live according to your values.  You can’t be the only honest person in the world.  

 

There are many who say the answer is cultivating more realistic expectations of others.  If by realistic they mean you ought to expect secrets and lies, I disagree.  If you prime yourself for the worst, that’s what you’ll get.  If you practice assuming the best you may get burned, but, in the meantime you will attract a mother lode of goodness.  Assuming the best doesn’t mean you live in denial.  You understand people can be deceitful, but you focus on drawing the honest ones to you.  If you meet someone who behaves creepily, so be it. Learn and move on.  Everyone encounters liars, cheats, and con artists.  No one has singled you out for this little karmic delight. Use everything to help you be the person you want to be.  Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see.”  It’s the same thing.  Be the upstanding, decent person you want to meet and you will naturally attract similar souls.

 

All blessings and peace to you on your journey.

 

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

Betrayal December 13, 2008

 

 

The greater the love and loyalty, the involvement and commitment, the greater the betrayal.

James Hillman

 

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

Sir Walter Scott

 

 

Secrets, lies, cheating.  They’re all forms of betrayal, and they all destroy trust.

 

As a therapist I have seen my share of emotional havoc wreaked by betrayal; and, as a divorced woman I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of deception.

 

When facing a mate’s lies it’s important to remember that their lying says absolutely nothing about you and everything about them.  Either they were cowardly and couldn’t face you with the truth, or they have a diagnosable psychiatric condition like sociopathy (now euphemistically called Anti-social Personality Disorder).  Neither explanation makes them particularly appealing.

 

Unfortunately, you invested a good part of your life loving and trusting this person, so expect a hefty amount of cognitive dissonance and grief. Those feelings will dissipate, but not before you’ve danced more than a few pas de deux with them. Expect to feel outraged. Thoughts like: “How could s/he do this to me?” are the coin of the realm.  

 

Bad things happen to everyone.  There’s no inoculation from betrayal.  You can be the best partner on earth and still be treated poorly. Actually, people who are pathological liars and sociopaths have an innate sense of who is a good mark.  They usually choose a hard-working, open-hearted soul who will be devoted to them. I am not referring to one-time liars here, but people who have lied throughout a relationship.  Not the person who had a one-night stand, but the adulterer who had a series of extra-curricular trysts. Not the person who made a silly financial mistake, but the one who repeatedly withheld information, lying by omission.  The virtuous mate persists in seeing their partner in the best light, despite evidence to the contrary.  Why? An honest person does not think others are duplicitous; it simply doesn’t occur to them. They habitually assume the best; and, everyone is subject to inertia (a body at rest stays at rest and a body in motion says in motion). Normal responsibilities, like laundry, car-pooling the kids, and working are distracting. The luxury of trusting someone means not examining every little nuance for signs of secrets. 

 

So, how do you wrap your mind around this situation and move forward?  First of all, if you are honest and forthright other people are, too.  I know it’s easy to question one’s judgment, but you are much wiser now than when you entered into this relationship.  In the future, you will be more cautious, but not so much that you lock up your heart.  Give yourself time.  You will heal.  Everything truly happens for your highest good, even though it may impossible to see that now.

 

Here’s a radical thought: be happy you trusted someone.  It says something wonderful about you.  Everyone gets taken in by someone sometimes. Con artists are charismatic. They use their wiles to manipulate.  Be glad you found out the truth.  It may be a bitter pill, but there’s an antidote: loving yourself and living joyfully.  You may not be there yet, but you will be. People recover from the loss of their rose-colored glasses every day.

 

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang