Holistic Divorce Counseling

Holistic Divorce Counseling Nicole S. Urdang, M.S., NCC, DHM. Free support, resources, and comfort for all life's issues and transitions.

Calming the Emotional Chaos of Grief January 31, 2012



A death, divorce, illness, sudden unemployment, or any major loss, creates chaos in your life. This emotional fracturing, as well as the practical aftershocks of dealing with estates, lawyers, housing, finances, doctors, etc., often yields intense feelings that can be overwhelming.


When you think you simply can’t assimilate another thing, it’s crucial to just stop. Even if you have never meditated, simply sitting or lying down and paying attention to your breath will calm your nervous system and give you the literal breather you need.


Sometimes, it’s too hard to stay still, so take a walk; but, it is imperative you give yourself a break from the internal chatter, and incessant activities that may be consuming every waking moment. When you think you don’t have a minute to sit, lie down, or walk, that’s when you desperately need the break. Take it and watch the world continue to spin on its axis.


A big part of healing through grief is connecting with yourself while putting all the parts back together in a new way that makes you feel safe and whole.


As you know, this process of reconnecting all the emotional, physical, and spiritual dots can be an exhausting and chaotic ride. One minute, there’s a sense of control and growing mastery, and the next, you’re surfing a sea of feelings.


Part of the immediate task is showing up with what yogis call Beginner’s Mind and Witness Consciousness. Beginner’s mind means cultivating an attitude of openness when approaching something new, without preconceived notions, just as a beginner would. This particular grief experience is terra incognita; you haven’t had it before. By abandoning all your ideas about how you “should” feel, or behave, you allow yourself to safely feel what is true in this moment. That cosmic permission slip, coupled with open awareness, allows you to fully experience this moment, and all it entails emotionally. While you may want to run from it as if it’s a hungry tiger, the only way out is through. Avoidance may provide short term relief, but often brings long term pain.


Witness consciousness means retraining your mind to detach enough so you can have some objectivity. It is practicing watching something with a neutral perspective, and not identifying with it. Both of these yogic techniques encourage you to leave your ego outside the door. You will never totally succeed in completely detaching from your ego, but these practices allow you to experience the freedom and joy of not taking everything personally, while enhancing your chances for greater inner peace.


Beginner’s mind, witness consciousness, and self-compassion are the trifecta for healing from almost anything. They shore you up, increase your perspective, and allow for enough detachment to see things more clearly.


Just as in yoga, where each visit to the mat reveals something new, the process of unraveling the threads of grief is fresh every minute. Whether it’s a crying spell, a fit of anger, guilt, or deep sadness, recognizing how each one is unique keeps you open to the process of change and transformation.


The chaos of grief is caused, in part, by the old issues it triggers, like abandonment and post-traumatic stress. During times of acute emotional turmoil, being exquisitely gentle with yourself can ease the pain. Recognizing unhelpful thought patterns, and challenging them as vociferously as possible, will also make you feel better and more in control.


The chaotic emotional fallout of grief can also be assuaged by establishing simple routines, like having a tea break at the same time every day, getting some exercise, listening to soothing music (see the chapter on book, CD, and DVD recommendations for ideas), meditating, calling someone supportive, eating at regular intervals, watching the sky, spending time with your pet, or anything else that’s readily available. The simpler, and more easily available the activity, the greater the chance you will make it a habit and it can reliably calm the chaos.



Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

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