Holistic Divorce Counseling

Holistic Divorce Counseling Nicole S. Urdang, M.S., NCC, DHM. Free support, resources, and comfort for all life's issues and transitions.

Missing what you don’t really want August 11, 2016

 

 

How is it possible to miss something you no longer wanted?

Nyozi Adiche “Americanah”

 

We are hungry for what we have grown out of.

Mirabai Starr “Caravan of No Despair”

 

 

It seems so counter-intuitive to miss something you no longer want, yet it makes perfect sense once you consider the complicated nature of relationships and desires. Since no relationship is ever 100% good or bad, there can be a part of you that wants all the good things back. A part that misses the connection, history, habit, or feels lonely and grief stricken. In addition, that inner balance, between attraction and aversion, shifts in a nanosecond depending on your mood, hormones, blood sugar levels, and state of mind.

 

It is almost impossible to truly want or shun something 100%. Understanding there is, at least, a smidgeon of ambivalence in every preference makes the notion of missing something you mostly don’t want far easier to comprehend.

 

When a relationship ends you mourn for all your dashed hopes, the many fantasies you constructed about your future, and the loss of a constant companion. You don’t necessarily miss the person, in toto, though you will probably miss aspects of them.

 

Mirabai Starr says it well when she says you are hungry for what you have grown out of, as it implies you may not consciously realize you have grown out of it. Yet, the unconscious mind knows and shows you in dreams, not-so-secret longings, physical symptoms, and words that seem to tumble out of your mouth unbidden.

 

The same concept applies when you notice how your habitual ways of perceiving life, surroundings, friends, family, work, etc. get in the way of your deeper joy in the bounty of the moment, of thinking whatever you have is enough. What American hasn’t fed at the trough of longing? Advertising inundates you with desire for desire’s sake, so how could you possibly not crave things you don’t really miss or even truly want? Society trained you to constantly yearn for things and feel dissatisfied with whatever you have or experience in any given moment. This vague longing can easily infiltrate your life and lead to feeling depressed, anxious, worthless, and angry. It’s an easy step to believing the return of your absent partner will fill the void, heal you, and make you whole again.

 

Yes, something is missing. You have experienced a huge loss. Society led you to think you can fill the void with acquisitions and accomplishments. While those feel good in the moment, their joys often fade. Wanting what you have, being grateful for everything, even the sorrows that bring you to your knees, is a more reliable path to inner peace, self-acceptance, and embracing life on life’s terms. It’s the rare person for whom those are achieved and sustained with a new car, new spouse, or new job. Feeling your grief, even your longing, fully is the answer, even though it can seem excruciating in the moment.

 

It’s also easy to conflate missing a specific person who is no longer in your life with missing a fantasy you may have been nursing for years. Those fantasies are fed by the media and the unhelpful tendency humans have to compare their insides with other people’s outsides, which can lead to feeling bereft, inferior, or inadequate. How much grief comes from just thinking your life doesn’t measure up to someone else’s, even if you really don’t want what they have? (See Compare To Despair on this site.)

 

To make things even more complicated, you may not miss the person you divorced or broke up with but miss having a mate, or the companionship. Sometimes, especially when you are triggered and feel grief-stricken, your emotional brain can hijack your pre-frontal cortex where all the higher level thinking happens. This makes it all too easy to confuse a general longing for something indescribable with a specific longing for someone or something, both of which you may not actually want should they suddenly appear.

 

Addiction plays a role in this pattern of desiring, too, as a brain accustomed to craving can sometimes substitute something else to quiet the inner cacophony. How often have you wanted deep connection with another person but chose eating, TV, porn, shopping, drinking, drugs, gambling, etc., instead? You probably didn’t really want those things; yet, if you limit them or remove them from your repertoire you may miss their short-term alleviation of deeper desires for connection, calm, or meaning.

 

Cravings seem to demand satiation. Yet, taking the time to sit with them in non-judging awareness, feeling all their physical sensations, lets them subside. One way to see this in action is to get a piece of paper, pen, and a timer. Number the page from 1-15. On a scale of 1-10, where one is the least and 10 the most, rate your level of craving every minute for the next 15 minutes. You will probably notice slight shifts in their intensity. This proves how you can manage what you don’t like without giving in to your desire du jour, and shows you that your craving was not 100% intense 100% of the time. All things wax and wane, including desires.

 

Like cravings, habits (including being habituated to a relationship) can form quickly.  It takes a certain amount of unhappiness with them to motivate change, and an awareness that part of the recovery process, if you let the habit or person go, is the feeling of missing what you no longer want. Give yourself time. Be patient as you become aware of space in your life where that person or addiction used to be. You can still be hungry for your original longing to connect deeply with another, to feel more alive and whole, or for relief from inner demons. The difference is now you realize there are better ways to accomplish those goals.

 

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

 

Reaching Out During Times of Stress, Divorce, or Grief September 11, 2009

 

Whether you have been good at asking for help in the past, or not, now is the time to reach out.  When you experience a loss through death, the dissolution of a relationship, or transformation, grief engenders two primal desires.  One seeks solitude to nurse the wounds, while the other asks for company, someone to bear witness to the pain.

How is it that such seemingly contradictory desires bring solace? Each offers a different way to vent and heal. When alone, you can be completely uninhibited. Paradoxically, with a witness you connect even though you’re suffering from a searing disconnection.

As always, the number one imperative is giving yourself a cosmic permission slip to feel your feelings. Then, seek solitude, or companionship, whatever seems right in the moment. Grief is a consummate shape-shifter.  One day you crave company and the next shun it. Allow yourself to vacillate, depending on your mood.

If you have always been the independent sort, it can be incredibly hard to ask for help.  Perhaps, you were typically the giver, and secretly thought it weak to ask for help. You couldn’t be more mistaken. It takes strength to show your vulnerability. But habit is not your only roadblock, the ego is a bit of a tyrant and can also get in the way, especially if it thinks it’s being demoted. It is. Your psyche and soul get first place in this pas de deux with grief. Let the ego gain gratification from recognizing how courageous it is to do what you fear: picking up the phone and asking for what you want.

There is always someone with whom you can speak. If it’s 3:00AM you can call Crisis Services (or your local hotline).  Try logging on to Yahoo Groups and take advantage of a virtual support community, they are available 24/7.  If you have a bit more time, find a local group that deals with your particular loss.  Call a therapist (goodtherapy.org is a wonderful non-pathologizing resource). The crucial thing is connecting to someone compassionate.

This may sound obvious, but consciously choose people who will listen and be supportive. Now is not the time to consort with challenging friends or family. The last thing you need is to feel defensive about your process. Remember, there’s no right way to go through a crisis. There’s only your way, and you create it one breath at a time.

Copyright Nicole S. Urdang

 

 
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